From: RDJT76A@prodigy.com (MR RICHARD J LIMACHER) Date: Wed, 6 Aug 1997 02:59:01, -0500 To: stanj Subject: Legend of Pecos Phooey at WS100, Part 4 GORDY'S SECRET Welp, frendz n' kriticks alaik, Ah duz meenta priss on widdis tale, bye Gawd, evin iffit killz me. Wuchit probbly will--iffda run etseff diddin doit awreddy. One of the things Gordy Ainsleigh said to me between forkfuls at lunch at his outdoor picnic table at the track at Placer High School in Auburn after the finish at Western States after I told him I intended to publish his exploits on the Internet and make him famous was [anybody remember how this sentence began?] that he wanted me to be sure to publish "His Secret." Apparently meaning his secret for success which--I gotta tell ya--is pretty darn successful. He's, what, earned ELEVEN or more SILVER BUCKLES?? And this time, yet again, he finished in 23-hours-and-change. I mean, here's a man bigger, older, and heavier than me (with a bigger shoe size, so that, conveniently, as I follow in them, my footsteps fit inside his footsteps rather nicely) AND THIS GUY MAKES THE SAME TRIP I DO--BUT HE DOES IT FIVE HOURS FASTER! And we both ran together up the same (first) mountainside! Wow. Let's get right on with this, shall we? Let's not waste any more time NOT letting the entire world in on Gordy's little "secret." Awright. Gordy says to me, he says, "Tell you what. When you get on that 'Internet' of yours, be sure to tell everybody my secret for success." "You bet, Gordy," I say. "What is it?" I imagine he'll be telling me about one of those eleven secret herbs and spices that Colonel Sanders discovered works so well with fried chicken and, naturally, might now have some good effect with fried ultrarunners in that California canyon HEAT, but no. This isn't his secret. It's: "No caffeine." "Ah, that's IT?" I ask, scratching my head. "I never take caffeine FOR A WHOLE YEAR," he emphasizes, "up until race day. And then I wait till Michigan Bluff. Starting at Michigan Bluff, I chug down every Coke, Pepsi, and every other kind of caffeine drink I can get my hands on!" "THAT'S it?" "Yep. That's it." "Wow." "You be sure to tell 'em that now, won't ya?" "You got it, my friend. I'll have that 'secret' of yours spread all over the known civilized world in no time." But gosh, I wish I'd have known sooner. I mean, there I was DRINKING COFFEE (!) on the morning of the race. Yes. I had TWO CUPS right there at the start line starting at about 4:40 a.m. The volunteers WERE SERVING IT! Wow (again). Does this mean (possibly) that up until I came along, Gordy NEVER revealed his secret to ANYBODY? (Have I been accorded a rare privilege here, or what?) Well, it must be true! Why else would all those race day volunteers proceed in their "ignorance" to serve COFFEE in the morning? Why weren't they waiting till Michigan Bluff??? Well now. That must be the answer. If only I'd have KNOWN this sooner, I might've had a much better chance at a silver buckle. And yet here I sit, now, with another cup of coffee beside me. I should IMMEDIATELY come to my senses and HURL THE SUCKER INTO THE SINK! I should henceforth BAN caffeine from my household! Forbid it ever again crossing my threshold. Get on the phone right now and call all the girls and CANCEL my Thursday koffee klatch. I should trot back the ten cans of Maxwell House that I have in reserve--take 'em right back to the Jewel 24-hour (get it?) supermarket and demand my money back! No more Coca-Cola Classic--or any other kind of "ick." No more Jolt! No more Mountain (oh no) Dew! No more Pepsi or Crush or Dr. Pepper or Spite or Green River or Kayopectate. No no! From now on...I'm a 7-Up man! ("Never had it, never will!") That is, until next year at Michigan Bluff. And that'll get me that 24-hour buckle, for sure. You'll recall with me, now, "those thrilling days of yesteryear" when I signed off my last posting before joining the wagon train and heading west by saying something REAL stupid like: "Hi-yo, Silver! Awaaaaaaaaaay!!" Well, that's exactly what happened, too. The "Silver," for sure, went "awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay"!! ("Bye-bye!") And I knew it too. I had it all figured out once Gordy disappeared and I myself had got myself to the other side of that mountain and came SMACK (!) face-to-face with: "THE CANYONS." In fact, when I FINALLY got to Robinson Flat ("flat" ha!) and wanted to know, you know, how much well within the 24-hour cutoff I was...imagine my surprise when they told me: "Oh, don't worry, ah [looking at their list] 'Rich.' You're 30 minutes ahead of the cutoff." "Oh, good. The, uh, 24-hour cutoff, right?" "No sir. The 30-hour cutoff." "JUMPING GEEEZ!! YOUGOTTABEKIDDING ME!!!!" "No sir. Check the list." I didn't even look at it. I just hitched up my britches and hi-tailed it otta there like a crazy man. Like a lonesome cowpoke hopped up on loco weed. Like Wile E. Coyote after his butt's been fried by the Roadrunner. With, you know, any number of those eleven secret herbs and spices. But speaking of secrets... I didn't want to close out this "thrill-packed episode" before mentioning that others too (besides Gordy) have also deemed it meet and proper to annoint upon my forehead one or more of their own goodly secrets and blessings. And I speak now specifically of my coach and mentor, my hero and benefactor, my steadfast ultra guru and pedagogue in the nearly forgotten art of creative cussing: Chuck Bundy (a.k.a.--which I still find this nickname hard to believe--"Chuckles"). [Chuck, by the way, is right now poised to start the Hardrock 100, leaving in the morning from Silverton, Colorado. Wish him well, won't you? Blow him a kiss and pat him on the ass. And then...KICK IT if he falls behind, OK?] So OK. So, before I close, let me just quickly give you one or five of CHUCK'S "secrets" for ultrarunning success: 1) Run by the clock, NOT by the distance. That is, according to Chuck, run every single day for two hours in the morning, then do your work around the house and eat a little lunch, and then run for one hour in the afternoon. What could be easier? 2) For one full week prior to your 100, be sure to eat one full PowerBar within one half-hour after your exercise. Of course, I never did get it straight whether he meant your MORNING or your AFTERNOON "exercise." 3) Drink ONE GALLON of Gatorade PER DAY for ONE WEEK prior to your 100. And, gosh, I surely tried that; but this time I was in Nevada and--Jumpin' Geeez!--they don't have a 24-hour Jewel supermarket in Nevada! What was I supposed to do? Lug my 6-gallon jug out there on the plane??? 4) Practice at least one nighttime run before the race. Try to do this in either a dense Vietnamese jungle or Wisconsin's Kettle Moraine, whichever comes sooner. 5) And finally, and most--most assuredly--most importantly, learn how to: !##@!&*!!! !#@!#^!! #!!#!@!!#^&!!##!!&^@##!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It helps, believe me, at Robinson Flat. [Back soon with Part 5] Rich Limacher RDJT76A@prodigy.com THE ULTRA NUTTY TROUBADOUR