Date: Sat, 13 Jul 1996 18:55:16 -0700
From: Gene Thibeault <2tbows@NEWORLD.NET>
During today's beautiful 32 mile run on the Pacific Crest Trail, several
runners and I were telling the usual jokes. We started in on the
"You know you're a redneck if" variety. This quickly developed into
"You know you're an Ultrarunner if" jokes. Here are a few that my
tired mind can remember. Let's have a little fun on the lists and add a
few of your own. After all ultrarunning is about having fun. Isn't it?
You know you're an Ultrarunner if:
1) Your wife tries to introduce you to your three children and you
reply "Three?"
2) You spend more time in the drug section than the food section of the
local market.
3) You wonder why they don't make all running socks a dusty brown color.
4) You have more dirt on your shoes than in your garden.
5) You think that flagel and ibutrophin belong on the breakfast table.
6) You get more phone calls at 5:00 AM than at 5:00 PM.
7) You don't recognize your friends with their clothes on.
8) You have more buckles than belts.
9) You postpone your wedding because it will interfere with your training.
10) You keep mistaking your boss for Norm Klein.
====================================================================================
Date: Mon, 15 Jul 1996 10:45:32 -0700
From: Geri Kilgariff
* 6am is sleeping in
* your feet look better without toenails
* your idea of a fun date is a 30-mile training run
* you're tempted to look for a bush when there's a long line for the
public restroom
* you don't think twice about eating food you've picked up off the floor
* you can expound on the virtues of eating salt
* you develop an unnatural fear of mountain lions
====================================================================================
Date: Mon, 15 Jul 1996 12:18:33 -0700 (PDT)
From: Cindy Englander
* When you wake up without the alarm at 4AM, pop outa bed and think"hit
the trails together"
*When you can recite the protein grams by heart of each energy bar
*You dont even LOOK for the porto-sans anymore....
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 16 Nov 1995 07:40:16 +0500 (EST)
From: Mike Franusich
Your ideal way to celebrate your birthday is to run at least your
age in miles with some fellow crazies.
Your ideal way to celebrate the new year is to run as far as you
can afford to with some fellow crazies.
Your ideal way to have fun is to run as far as you can afford to
with some fellow crazies.
You know the location of every 7-11, public restroom, and
water fountain within a 25-mile radius of your house.
You run marathons for speedwork.
You have more fanny packs and water bottles and flashlights than
Imelda Marcos has shoes.
You visit a national park with your family and notice a thirty-mile
trail connecting where you are with the place your family wants to
visit next, which is a 100-mile drive away, and you think "Hmmmm".
Someone asks you how long your training run is going to be and you
answer "seven or eight ... hours".
People at work think you're in a whole lot better shape than you
think you are.
You actually are in a whole lot better shape than you think you are.
Your weekend runs are limited by how much time you have, not by
how far you can run.
You always have at least one black toenail.
You buy economy-sized jars of Vaseline on a regular basis.
You tried hashing, but felt the trails were too short and easy.
You think of pavement as a necessary evil that connects trails.
You read this message.
====================================================================================
From: sstryker@SOVER.NET (Stew Stryker)
To: ULTRA@caligari.dartmouth.edu
... you rotate your running shoes more often than you rotate your tires.
... your friends recognize you better dressed in shorts than in long pants.
... you really envied Tom Hanks' long run as Forest Gump.
... you carry money around in a ziplock bag because store clerks complained
that your money's usually too sweaty.
... any time a plain old runner talks about her aches and pains, you can
sympathize because you've already had that at least once.
====================================================================================
From: Nikki Robinson
Date: Mon, 15 Jul 96 15:57:09 -0500
-- you put more miles on your feet than on your rental car over the
weekend;
-- you don't need to paint your toenails; they're already different
colors;
-- you start planning the family vacation around races, and vice-versa.
-- you say "Only a 100K to go." (during the Mardi Gras 125m ultra)
====================================================================================
From: Voasccdel@aol.com
Date: Mon, 15 Jul 1996 19:31:56 -0400
*When you start considering your next vacation on the merits of its ultras
only
*You spend you entire paycheck on running gear, ultrabars, and entry fees
*You miss a work deadline cause you just had to have that "one more minute"
on-line writing to the list
*You become a quasi-expert on different detergents so as to not "hurt" your
tee shirts...
====================================================================================
Date: Mon, 15 Jul 1996 17:06:04 -0700 (PDT)
From: Cindy Englander
OR* You leave work early to hit the trails
* You wear t-shirts based on if you've had good work outs when you 've
worn them before
* Have a trail shoe collection that would make Imelda Marcos envious
====================================================================================
Date: Mon, 15 Jul 1996 22:40:35 -0400 (EDT)
From: Geraldine Wales
You know your an ultrarunner when:
Running trail is better then sex.(even if you don't get any)
You walk up the stairs and run down them.
Peeing in the toilet seems unreal.
You start wearing running clothes to work so that you're all prepared.
(I do)
====================================================================================
From: WS100Sec@aol.com (Tom Winters)
Date: Tue, 16 Jul 1996 00:17:34 -0400
You know your an ultrarunner when:
Running trail is better then sex.(even if you don't get any)
And then
Vasoline isn't just for fun anymore. (seen the new burt reynolds movie?)
====================================================================================
Date: Tue, 16 Jul 1996 10:42:00 -0700
From: mlpalmer@violet.berkeley.edu (Michael Palmer)
You know you're an ultrarunner when the start of a marathon feels like a 5K
and you're wondering "Why is everyone in such a rush? Where the ##@@**!!
is the fire?" -- this was my reaction at the start of this year's Boston.
====================================================================================
Date: Tue, 16 Jul 1996 19:00:58 -0700
From: George Beinhorn
You're an ultrarunner (and this is an absolute requirement, which I feel
should be included in all race entry forms) if as an infant you were
dropped on your head.
====================================================================================
Date: Tue, 16 Jul 1996 19:03:51 -0700
From: George Beinhorn
You're an ultrarunner if nobody recognizes your power T's. Met a guy at
the market the other day who was wearing an AR50 T. So was I. I gave
him a hearty, "Ta-da." He said, "Oh yeah, I tell people we were all
aquitted and the charges were dropped."
(American River 50. Get it? Winky winky.)
====================================================================================
From: John Davis
Date: Wed, 31 Jul 1996 00:01:20 -0400
"YKYAAUR" When you sign up for a 10K and
you strap on your fanny pack because you never know where the aid
stations are.
you bring your own drinks
you bring potatoes and salt
you start fast and a six year old passes you
you are the only one walking the up hills
you run it a second time because its not far enough to call a
training run (and you were racing the first time through)
you are the only one around who is eyeing the bushes THAT way
you punch the lap button on your watch instead of the stop button
at the finish
====================================================================================
Date: Wed, 31 Jul 1996 08:14:06 -0800
From: mtc@well.com (Mark Donaldson)
...when "NEXT GAS 36 MILES" signs start sounding like tempting runs.
====================================================================================
From: "Emmons, David"
Date: Fri, 2 Aug 1996 08:30:00 -0700
You know you are an Ultra Runner if-
Your pedicure kit includes a pair of pliers. 8-0
The number of toes and toenails you have is not equal
You drink from a water bottle at the dinner table
You consider the mold and mildew in your bottles extra electrolytes
You just found out Poison and Oak are words by themselves...
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 22 Aug 1996 10:58:58 -0600
From: Alex Feldman
This actually happened last night -
... you see a 1 quart waterbottle colored like an Advil bottle, and
don't realize that it's not in fact an Advil bottle.
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 5 Sep 1996 14:12:25 -0800
From: mtc@well.com (Mark Donaldson)
You know you're an ultrarunner if you've been kicked off the Ultra List.
====================================================================================
Date: Sat, 7 Feb 1998 16:10:55 EST
From: Tom O'Hara (TOMSMB@aol.com), forwarded by Gary Berkowitz (garyb2@ili.net)
You know you're an Ultrarunner if...
1.. Your wife tries to introduce you to your three children and you reply
"Three?"
2.. You spend more time in the drug section than the food section of the
local market.
3.. You wonder why they don't make all running socks a dusty brown color.
4.. You have more dirt on your shoes than in your garden.
5.. You think that flagel and ibutrophin belong on the breakfast table.
6.. You get more phone calls at 5:00 AM than at 5:00 PM.
7.. You don't recognize your friends with their clothes on.
8.. You have more buckles than belts.
9.. You postpone your wedding because it will interfere with your
training.
10.. You keep mistaking your boss for Norm Klein.
11.. 6am is sleeping in.
12.. Your feet look better without toenails.
13.. Your idea of a fun date is a 30-mile training run.
14.. You're tempted to look for a bush when there's a long line for the
public restroom.
15.. You don't think twice about eating food you've picked up off the
floor.
16.. You can expound on the virtues of eating salt.
17.. You develop an unnatural fear of mountain lions.
18.. When you wake up without the alarm at 4AM, pop out of bed and think
"lets hit the trails".
19.. When you can recite the protein grams by heart of each energy bar.
20.. You don't even LOOK for the Porto-sans anymore.
21.. Your ideal way to celebrate your birthday is to run at least your age
in miles with some fellow crazies.
22.. Your ideal way to have fun is to run as far as you can afford to with
some fellow crazies.
23.. You know the location of every 7-11, public restroom, and water
fountain within a 25-mile radius of your house.
24.. You run marathons for speed work.
25.. You have more fanny packs and water bottles and flashlights than
Imelda Marcos has shoes.
26.. You visit a national park with your family and notice a thirty-mile
trail connecting where you are with the place your family wants to visit next,
which is a 100-mile drive away, and you think "Hmmmm".
27.. Someone asks you how long your training run is going to be and you
answer "seven or eight ... hours".
28.. People at work think you're in a whole lot better shape than you
think you are.
29.. You actually are in a whole lot better shape than you think you are.
30.. Your weekend runs are limited by how much time you have, not by how
far you can run.
31.. You always have at least one black toenail.
32.. You buy economy-sized jars of Vaseline on a regular basis.
33.. You tried hashing, but felt the trails were too short and easy.
34.. You think of pavement as a necessary evil that connects trails.
35.. You rotate your running shoes more often than you rotate your tires.
36.. Your friends recognize your better dressed in shorts than in long
pants.
37.. You really envied Tom Hanks' long run as Forest Gump.
38.. You carry money around in a ziplock bag because store clerks
complained that your money's usually too sweaty.
39.. Any time a plain old runner talks about her aches and pains, you can
sympathize because you've already had that at least once.
40.. You put more miles on your feet than on your rental car over the
weekend.
41.. You don't need to paint your toenails; they're already different
colors.
42.. You start planning the family vacation around races, and vice-versa.
43.. When you start considering your next vacation location on the merits
of its ultras only.
44.. You spend you entire paycheck on running gear, ultrabars, and entry
fees.
45.. You miss a work deadline cause you just had to have that "one more
minute" on-line writing to the list.
46.. You become a quasi-expert on different detergents so as to not "hurt"
your tee shirts.
47.. You leave work early to hit the trails.
48.. You wear t-shirts based on if you've had good work outs when you 've
worn them before.
49.. Have a trail shoe collection that would make Imelda Marcos envious.
50.. You walk up the stairs and run down them.
51.. Peeing in the toilet seems unnatural.
52.. You start wearing running clothes to work so you're prepared for
afterwards.
53.. Running trail is better then sex.(even if you don't get any)
54.. Vaseline isn't just for fun anymore.
55.. When the start of a marathon feels like a 5K and you're wondering
"Why is everyone in such a rush? Where the ##@@**!! is the fire?"
56.. If as an infant you were dropped on your head.
57.. If nobody recognizes your power T's. Met a guy at the market the
other day who was wearing an AR50 T. So was I. I gave him a hearty, "Ta-da."
He said, "Oh yeah, I tell people we were all acquitted and the charges were
dropped."
58.. When you sign up for a 10K and
a.. you strap on your fanny pack because you never know where the aid
stations are.
b.. you bring your own drinks.
c.. you bring potatoes and salt.
d.. you start fast and a six year old passes you.
e.. you are the only one walking the up hills.
f.. you run it a second time because its not far enough to call a
training run (and you were racing the first time through).
g.. you are the only one around who is eyeing the bushes THAT way.
h.. you punch the lap button on your watch instead of the stop button
at the finish.
59.. When "NEXT GAS 36 MILES" signs start sounding like tempting runs.
60.. Your pedicure kit includes a pair of pliers.
61.. Your number of toes to toenails doesn't match.
62.. You drink from a water bottle at the dinner table.
63.. You consider the mold and mildew in your bottles extra electrolytes.
64.. You just found out Poison and Oak are words by themselves.
65.. You see a 1 quart water bottle colored like an Advil bottle, and
don't realize that it's not in fact an Advil bottle.
66.. If you've been kicked off the Ultra List.
====================================================================================
Date: Tue, 02 Feb 1999 16:26:04 -0600
From: John Thieme
You know you're married to an ultrarunner when Valentine's gifts come
from Ultrafit.
You know you're married to an ultrarunner when she helps you up and
says, "Come on, suck it up, keep moving!" and you know she means it in
love.
You know you're an ultrarunner when a prospective employer asks for a
photograph and all you have is race photos.
You know you're an ultrarunner when the races you enter end in a
different area code. -and pass through several different Zip codes
enroute.
You know you're an ultrarunner when your crew tries to keep you
motivated by saying, "You're in second place and only 6 hours behind
first with 25 miles to go!"
====================================================================================
Date: Tue, 2 Feb 1999 19:12:59 -0800
From: Douglas O McKeever
You know you're an ultrarunner when you go to your 8:00 a.m. college
geology class and you can use the salt crystals, still caked on your
glasses frames from your early morning run, in your talk on the category
of sedimentary materials called evaporites (and I'm not making this up).
====================================================================================
Date: Wed, 03 Feb 1999 14:50:38 +1100
From: Mister White
You know you're an ultrarunner when, on the night of a bad thunderstorm
and downpour, you ring for a cab, and your announcement that this is the
*first time* you're not getting home under your own steam causes a
stunned silence in the office.
====================================================================================
Date: Wed, 3 Feb 1999 07:22:47 EST
From: Josh Miller
You know your an ultrarunner when you actually sit down and read all of the
postings about, "You know your an ultrarunner when..." and can laugh and
relate to all of the comments.
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 03:29:22 EDT
From: Dave Emmons
You know you're an ultrarunner when you don't finish on the same day as the winner.
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 11:04:15 EDT
From: Dina Kovash
You know you're an ultrarunner when people praise you to the high heavens for
being able to finish a marathon, and you feel insulted.
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 07:19:51 -0600
From: "Charles T. Thorn"
You know you're an ultrarunner after you post your third ULTRA message
about relative 100 miler difficulty.
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 09:02:11 -0500 (CDT)
From: Earl Blewett
You know you're an ultrarunner your dogs can drink out of water bottles
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 07:16:42 -0700
From: "Covarrubias, Tony (IT_Supp_App)"
You ask advice of hundreds of people on a list, looking for answers you have
already determined to be correct, taking hold of only those, and running with 'em.
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 10:27:33 -0400
From: "Robbins, Larry"
When you meet the opposite sex you see:
1) A possible crew.
2) A possible pacer.
3) A possible search and rescue team.
4) A possible race director.
5) A possible source of race entry fees.
The opposite sex looks backs and thinks:
1) An Ultrarunner, gee I sure would like to crew.
2) An Ultrarunner, sure would like to spend the night in the woods with them!
3) An Ultrarunner, I've been searching all of my life.
4) An Ultrarunner, sure hope my event is attractive.
5) An Ultrarunner, wonder if I could watch at Orlander, if I pay their way.
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 09:32:07 -0500
From: "Scott Parker"
You know you're an ultra runner when you can really identify with those
scenes at night in the woods in The Blair Witch Project. (Anybody else have
some flashbacks to their most recent 100 miler in that movie?)
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 09:39:11 -0500
From: "Johansen, Tim"
I knew I was an Ultranrunner when my wife asked me the morning after my first 50
miler if I was still planning on that 100K in five weeks, I smiled and said "Sure!"
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 09:41:16 -0500 (CDT)
From: Rick Lewis
If so many places on your body hurt you can't figure out which one hurts
more, so you ignore them all and do another 50K, and then you feel better!
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 10:49:41 -0400
From: Claude Sinclair
You strap on your water bottles and walk the hills . . . . . . in a 5 K
race and consider that your 10 minute pace is a blistering pace.
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 11:14:28 -0400
From: Rock Cogar
You know you're an ultrarunner when you do a triathlon and it is your RUN
time that is slower than the years when you specialized in triathlon.
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 17:38:33 +0200
From: "Pascal Le Bail"
...you are told *not* to run another marathon during the next few months
(because that would be bad for your health), and you really follow that
advice - by immediately sending off the entry form for your next 50/100 miler.
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 11:06:29 -0500
From: Mary Gorski
You know you are an ultrarunner when somebody asks about the distance of an
upcoming race and you, without thinking, say,
"Oh, it's just a 50K."
...forgetting that for most people, a 5K is a heck of an accomplishment.
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 11:15:20 -0500
From: "Shepherd, Jerry K."
When running a marathon and at mile 20 say to yourself, "Wow, only 6 more
miles left, this is such a great training run!"
NB: saying it aloud can make one seem arrogant, beware!
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 09:59:27 -0700
From: "Andrew Wilkins"
Everything in your life, everything, is organized in different sized zip-loc bags.
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 14:07:01 EDT
From: Terri
You know you are an ultrarunner when you go for an easy 2 hour run in the
middle of a Hurricane and think it is fun to get wet, muddy and run through
the rivers that were once trails.
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 15:20:35 EDT
From: Jim Sisko
You know you are an ultrarunner when you get to the 81 mile point of a 100
miler and say to yourself, "Wow, only 19 miles left!"
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 15:15:25 -0600
From: Dana Roueche
You know you're an ultra runner when no one believes you when you say "never again".
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 17:18:19 -0500
From: "Jeff Selinger"
1. You try to tie double knots in your Oxfords.
2. You pass a swamp towards the end of a run and think 'How bad could it be?"
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 17:26:59 -0500
From: "Logan Heinrich"
You know you're an ultrarunner if your wife/girlfriend/significant other
asks you if you want to have sex on any particular night and you respond with:
"sorry, i don't have time, i have to go running"
"sorry, i'm too tired, i just went running"
"sorry, i would rather go read all my messages from the ultra-list"
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 15:36:47 -0700
From: Sally
...you're embarrassed that you've only done 50K's...
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 15:50:15 -0700 (PDT)
From: Geri Kilgariff
...when livestock salt blocks look good after a run.
====================================================================================
Date: Thu, 16 Sep 1999 17:18:46 -0700
From: George Beinhorn
When you go down a flight of stairs, uh, backwards, after an ultra and
everybody laughs.
====================================================================================
Date: Fri, 17 Sep 1999 12:57:54 -0700
From: Heather Perry
...you refer to certain 100 mile races as "lowkey."
====================================================================================
Date: Fri, 17 Sep 1999 22:15:54 EDT
From: Holly Neault-Zinzow
You know you are an ultrarunner if...
...You number your running shoes to distinguish old from new, since they all
look dirty.
...Prior to running a difficult race, you check to see if local hospitals and
urgent care centers are in your PPO.
...The only time major household projects get done is in a taper or race
recovery.
You know you are an ultra parent if...
... Your 6 year old knows the difference between a 100k and 100 miler.
...Whenever you anounce an exciting family vacation, the first question is
"Where is the race?"
You know you are an ultraWOMAN if...
...You have more fanny packs than purses.
... You have the complete collection of every "long lasting" lip color ever made.
...You have a walk-in closet dedicated to running apparel.
...You have a permanent combination scar/tan in the outline of a jogbra.
====================================================================================
Date: Sun, 19 Sep 1999 20:20:45 -0700
From: Jennifer Aviles
You know you're an ultrarunner when you need to ask for a ride from a
friend because you drive a stick shift.
====================================================================================
Date: Mon, 20 Sep 1999 09:26:04 -0700
From: "Roy Morita"
You know you are an ultra runner if...
you call a 50-mile race "just another training run".
you think a 100-mile race is easier than a 50 miler because you don't have to go out
as fast.
you say, "Taper? Who's got time to taper? I have a race coming up this weekend."
====================================================================================
Date: Mon, 20 Sep 1999 12:49:35 EDT
From: PsychoRunr@aol.com
In a message dated 9/19/99 11:19:02 PM, javiles@azstarnet.com writes:
Or...you have to rent a car to drive to a major event because you and your
pacer own stick shits and neither will be able to drive them on the return trip.
====================================================================================
Date: Mon, 20 Sep 1999 12:15:16 -0700
From: George Beinhorn
You're tapering/recovering, and you'd rather drive 50 miles to watch Ann
Trason's heavenly running style for 20 seconds than the Super Bowl.
====================================================================================
Date: Mon, 20 Sep 1999 21:12:14 GMT
From: "Robert Youngren"
Ya know your an ultrarunner when:
1. You use your local 5 and 10km's for "speed work."
2. On a long drive you see the road signs listing various mileages
to different places and think of how long it would take to get
there on foot rather than by the car your driving.
3. You've started a race in the dark, run all day, and finished
in the dark (if your lucky).
4. Your non-Ultrarunning running friends look at you strange when you
tell them that 10:00/Mile is a fast pace for a 100 mile race (not
to mention most ultras).
5. You don't hesitate to lie down in the trail (anywhere) when you are
falling asleep on your feet during the early morning hours on the second day
of a 100 miler; and it feels so comfortable.
====================================================================================
Date: Mon, 20 Sep 1999 17:22:50 -0700
From: Earl Preeper
You go to bit into a hamburger at the finish line bar-b-q and get a cramp in
your jaw...ouch!!! or when your teeth hurt!!!
====================================================================================
Date: Mon, 20 Sep 1999 18:43:38 -0700
From: "Bob Matulac"
You know your an ultra runner when you meet someone of the opposite sex on
the trail of a 100 and all of conversation is about
what color is your urine, can you drink? and were you able to dump.
Ya know you're and ultra runner when a girl changes her tank and her bra in
front of you and all you do is take another drink of water, look at your
watch, get up and tell your pacer "Let's hit the trail."
====================================================================================
Date: Mon, 20 Sep 1999 22:17:05 EDT
From: Pat Wellington
Or...You know you're a "Real" ultrarunner when you actually DO drive a stick
shift home with a severely pulled left hamstring, as I did in May driving
home from Quicksilver 50K in San Jose to San Francisco. Clutching with a
pulled hamstring is a true test of one's pain threshold, and mine is rather
low even with minor irritations. If I had videotaped my facial contortions
and screaming sound effects on that drive home, the tape could have easily
been used in some horror flick!
====================================================================================
Date: Tue, 21 Sep 1999 06:21:33 -0700 (PDT)
From: Norm Yarger
You know you are an ultra runner when you read these
posts and reply, "So, what's your point?"
====================================================================================
Date: Tue, 21 Sep 1999 10:17:28 -0400
From: "Joseph Salwan"
When you try to determine which 100 mile race is more difficult...
To be continued...
====================================================================================